söndag 23 november 2014

Running on fumes

I am acutely human.
No matter when we are at our strongest or when we are at our weakest. We are born human and we die human.

I wanted to be softer. Me growing up, my experience with being bullied, me being a teen, my feminist activism, my internet activism, my conflicts within my nerdy hobbies, most recently the struggle to end sexual abuse out of game at Swedish larps and in the Swedish larp community. 

It made me hard. It made me bad ass. 
But I am acutely human.

And I hate writing this. There is just too much critizism. And when I say this people think I mean I get critizism from men who have been accused. Or that I get critique from men that think I hate all men. But that I can mostly handle. No, what I can't handle is the constant critique from people who, I guess, want to help.

"It would be better if you would just..."
"Language is important you know..."

I cry. I know I am not good enough. 

So much of the work I do is never shown. My professional, paid work is under non-disclosure agreements for the sake of my clients (I do social work).
There work I do in the swedish larp community is visible to a certain degree but a lot of it has to do with supporting women and non binary people over the phone, via chat and in meetings. And I rarely get to tell that story, neither do I want to.

But I have felt my energy dwindle. And I have become raw and overly sensive to critique. And when I cut myself of from communications I also cut myself of from most of my support persons, exept my partner and I cut myself of from those that need my support. 

I wanted to grow softer again. Get into less conflicts. I don't know if that will ever happen.

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