tisdag 8 maj 2018

Suffering bragging block

For different reasons I was thinking I'm suffering a block against bragging about my artistic accomplishments and my skills. Not about showing them one by one, but all of them together.

The set up:
I've been having bad moods late at night when I'm tired, and sometimes my mood is so bad that I have trouble falling asleep before really hashing the issue over with a friend in private. Sometimes on chat and sometimes on phone. It's mostly negative talk and I mostly do it with my male friends because I don't want to dump on women who usually have to do the majority of emotional labor anyway and I have some guy friends who have had to share the burden instead. I try to not feel bad about doing this as I have supported them as well from time to time and they want to be good at emotional labor.

The problem:
I don't want to be this negative. I don't think it's good for me and I don't think it's good for my communities. Also negativity says very little about what I want to do about the problem I see and about the way we can move forward. If I instead could point at good examples, at how I solve problems and model good enough problem solving design for larps and other event then others can learn from me.

The goal:
I want to find joy again and I want to look forward to happenings and be exited about my own projects and other peoples projects. And I know so many creative people and I'm creative myself. Also, if I'm able to talk about what I'm good at and find joy from I will be asked to do more of what I'm good at. If I get to do what I'm good at other people will gain benefit from that as well. And it will also keep me from being destructive and disruptive.

So how do I inform others about what I'm good at? And what I find joy in doing? Is that bragging? Is that ok? I sometimes see people with way less skill or experience than me promote themselves with very big words in the community. I think it's both a case of gendered expectations (men should be confident in their abilities, women should be humble) and of different cultural spheres and expectations.
I'm scared of the criticism, the "she just wants attention" and the "she thinks she's so good but she sucks" the "she's so full of herself". I will have to think about this for some time. I don't know what I will arrive at.

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