Wonderkarins theory of Larp Alientation

[Context: I'm a Swedish larper turned larp designer and runner. I started in Vampire larp, moved on to Swedish Boffer Fantasy Larp and then started going to Knutpunkt, a Scandinavian larp conference which is often cited as the Nordic Larp Conference. I've worked in mental health for over 10 years and have a master in Library and Information science. I usually prefer to keep the language in these posts to medium level English and avoid long explanations. I know this sometimes make things I write sound harsher than they are meant as I try to just deliver the information and leave reflection and opinions to the discussion of the posts.]


What is Larp Alienation?

When I write Larp Alienation I mean something that happens out of game, to individuals in the Community and not passing experiences of alienation in game. Out of game alienation can however both be felt and manifested during a game, but it is an out of game problem.

Larp Alienation is mostly a feeling of not belonging or being on the outskirts of your larp community no matter your actual status or placement in the community social network. You can have many social strong bonds within the community and still feel alienation from the community. (Subjective feeling of larp alienation)

It can also be a practical problem making it hard to find other larpers to collaborate with for your larp projects, be invited to collaborate with others or get larpers to come to your games due to everything from geographical placement or a subject or form that your community are uncertain about. (Objective larp alienation)

Why is Larp Alienation a problem?

For healthy communities the members need to feel wanted and integrated. They should have their social needs reasonably met. But there is a discreprancy in what people mean and expect when they call something a community. Alienated members of a community can both suffer higher levels of mental health problems and begin to act out in disruptive ways because they already assume they are unwanted by other members.

Game runners most often say they feel can't make anyone happy with their event. Intellectually they know a majority of the players enjoy the game but sometimes feedback from the community in total is confusing and contradictory (due to it coming from different people).
Players who exclusively play larps and don't design or run games are more worried no one will want to play with them at games. 

The main theory

My theory on larp alienation is inspired by writing about the Master Suppression technique of The Double Bind. The Double bind punishes and ridicules a person no matter what action they choose to take. No action is "the right action". It is also inspired by social alienation theory, especially that there is a low degree of integration of common values in Nordic Larp and a distance and isolation between individuals in the community. Increasingly so, Nordic Larp and Larp has become a work environment which fluctuates between being a friendship based network dependent on whether people are able to form social bonds (like each other) and a professional network (collaborate on paid larp work).

I pose Larp Alienation happens because Larp and the sub category Nordic larp has few common values globally while at the same time members think they have common values which leads to a miss-match between individual expectations on the community and what the community actually produces for these individuals. I pose Larp Alienation is bigger problem to the parts of the community that does their social relationships online, due to both the exposure to public critizism from people you have both strong and weak social ties to and the distance between the individuals and lower to groups that spend more time together physically. 

Larp Creators and Runners also possibly face punishment and ridicule no matter what design choices they make, because there will always be disappointed people expressing their opinions in the online forums of the community. Expression themselves is their right, and many larp runners also appreciate being able to read reactions online, while to others it causes negative emotions. 

This can result in feelings of being attacked, that no choice is a good choice, that the best course of action is no action and in the end: larp alienation. 

Players feel alienated from the larp creators, and larp creators feel alienated from the players.

Now this double bind happens because there are many different viewpoints in larp critique as we have few to no frame work in place in what constitutes a good larp design. This will then be arbitrary and up to individual tastes. Individual tastes that will be expressed on individual larpers social media accounts.

This is not a problem to many designers, as it has to do with how much weight you put into the public opinions of others.

Larp Alienation at specific games or events

If an individual suffers larp alienation at a larp event there are some things that are possible to do, because many larps these days have a higher degree of integration of the players and game runners often make public before the event what common values will be in effect at the game. Also at a on site larp (as opposed to Digital larp) there will also be less isolation between individuals. Social events can be designed to lessen the degree of larp alienation.

• Communicate what common values are wished for, and might be enforced when you come to the game.
• Place lone players with other players, so that everyone has a social circle in and/or out of game.
• Encourage positive social and inclusive behaviors, even by holding up good examples and letting game runners and volunteers model these behaviors.
• Let people help out, especially if they offer, feeling useful and needed is a powerful antidote.
• Ask consent before coming with "helpful" advice as some people when feeling alienated can feel attacked even if you are just trying to help.
• As a fellow participants, be open to meeting and playing with new people. Like the open chair policy of Knutpunkt.
• Check in on your friends (yes, especially the "strong friend")

Alienation 
Social alienation is "a condition in social relationships reflected by a low degree of integration or common values and a high degree of distance or isolation between individuals, or between an individual and a group of people in a community or work environment". It is a sociological concept developed by several classical and contemporary theorists, The concept has many discipline-specific uses, and can refer both to a personal psychological state (subjectively) and to a type of social relationship (objectively).(1)

Master Suppression Technique no 3 "Double Bind"

To punish or otherwise belittle the actions of a person, regardless of how they act. (2)

Examples:
When you describe your larp scenario thoroughly, you receive complaints for having to much materials for the players to read before the game, thus making it less accesible to people from another language background or with reading disabilities. When you post only brief bullet point concepts, you're critiqued for being sloppy, not taking the subject seriously and/or demanding to much previous knowledge from players.

(1) Social Alienation at Wikipedia
(2) Double Bind Master Suppression Technique

Interacting with Antagonists at Larps. - social bid theory.

War Criminal Alldis (Krigshjärta)

[Disclaimer and context: this is written for Nordic larp, and I as the writer learned to larp specifically in some of the Swedish larp cultures. When looking at the characters I've played a fair deal of them have been antagonists and dedicated to destruction, disruption and punishment of other.]

Have you ever played an evil character and the other player characters end up avoiding you, leaving you sad and alone at the larp?

Or have you planned some really nasty interaction with a co-player and then after the game realizing you both missed out because once in character it felt only logical to avoid the nasty interaction because that is what your character would do?

Here is some information that might help, both on how to proceed as the player of the evil character and how to initiate interaction with evil characters.

So first, some framwork:

Storytelling:
In a lot of the storytelling we interact with, there is some protagonist characters, and some antagonist characters. Avenger vs Thanos for example or Sherlock vs Moriaty. In most larps the "evil character" will be the antagonist and try to get in the way of or hinder the progress, wishes and wants of the protagonists.

Social interaction:
I'm going to be talking about making a "Social bid" or answering one. Social bid is something I read about in a article about couples who stay married for a long time and what makes them happy in the relationship (1). That article said it came down to how many social bids they did towards each other each day and if and how they responded to their partners bid. An example can be "oh dear, there is a bluejay in the garden" and the response can either be "that's lovely dear, you love blue jays" (responding) or the partner just going on reading their book (ignoring).
Social bids are very close to so called "play signals" but I think play signals in larp deserve a post of their own. They called this "turning towards" and "turning away". I'm going to call it "answering" and "ignoring" as even a "turning away" can still be "answering" in a larp setting.

This also builds on something Anna-Karin Linder(2) taught me about playing antagonists: One thing you can do to make your character seem less nice and cozy is to avoid giving of these little encouraging sounds to show that you are listening while the other person speaks. Be very conservative with how you express that you are listening.

I try to say that a larp protagonist is never cooler or harder than the level of resistance that they get from the larp antagonist. Sometimes the antagonist isn't a person but nature it self or an opposing army.

Another problem for those of you who are not playing the unpleasant character: sometimes we get a feeling in our gut that we need to stay away from the other player due to their in game behavior. I say it's ok to listen to that feeling but then remind yourself that this is what you are here for. Your character might be scared, but this isn't real. The behavior is only acting and it is an invitation to negative play (type B fun/ type II fun). You came to the larp for this. I sometimes as a player find myself feeling scared of the person who is supposed to play my antagonist, and then I circle away from them. I take a deep breath, remind myself it's not real and then I come up with a reason to go back and "larp in their vicinity". Maybe they are standing close to the coffee? Or they control the in game shop? We can't interact if we are not in the same area.

Some way's to listen as an antagonist:

• If you look directly at the other player, don't do so nodding or humming. Hone your cold stare in a mirror. You want your eyes to look dead or at least dispassionate.
• Don't accept being talked to just anywhere. Express you expect people to come to you or organize a space to your character liking.
• Remember what they are saying, but don't repeat it imediatly. Keep them sweating. Ponder your answer, take things slow.
• Remember what they said and use it against them at a later time at the larp. But preferably at that larp, and not the next one.

So now I will go into some social bids with some suggestions on how to initiate them and how to answer them. A problem that sometimes comes it is hard to act on in negative ways when other people are playing their characters as kind or subservient. But there are ways.

"Get them coffee"

• The antagonist gets brought coffee. This is a social bid. 
• Ignoring the social bid: just accept the coffee. Drink it.
• Answering the social bid: taste the coffee. Look at the person delivering it. Either say something with words about the coffee or with your face. Dump the coffee in front of the person. Look them in the eye.

"Serve them dinner"

• Everyone is supposed to stand in line for dinner.
• The antagonist instead sits down that their favorite spot at the table, looks at someone and tells them to bring them dinner. This is a social bid.
• Ignoring the social bid: either not answering at all or giving them food without any invitation to further interaction.
• Answering the social bid: bring them their dinner either perfectly organized or messy and unappetizing. Serve them in a clearly submissive way or if you wish to be provocative, plonk it down hard in front of them.

"the knowing insult"

• For common interaction, casual conversation gone bad.
• Social bid: a protagonist states liking/disliking a phenomenon or action. "I don't like when you tell me what to do"
• Answering the social bid: Move in close and, depending on physical interaction rules of the larp grab them a bit to hard on the wrist or other neutral body part. Stand in their personal space and look them in the eye. Calmly reflect what they said either enforcing or contradicting it "Oh but I think you actually do like it." Give them your full attention. To do intimate things like this it is best if you have read up on their character.

P.S Avoid playing a psychopath. I often say that psychopaths are boring characters. Because while we often play them as evil, if they do not have wants, needs and emotions of their own there will be no emotional resonance to play them either. People can be harsh, cold, violent and manipulative without being psychopaths or sociopaths.


References:

1. Masters of Love (https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/)

2. Linder, Anna-Karin - Writer and narrative designer http://annakarinlinder.se/
http://annakarinlinder.se/

Who do you organize your larp with?

[Disclaimer: I work within a Swedish context. I'm mostly writing this post to get my thought down and onto the internet, in case this becomes a discussion further on. I'm not writing this to harm or criticize individuals. These are just my observations and even if I have a very straight forward language I am almost always open to being wrong. No observation I make will ever account for all cases.]



I sometimes get the impression that male larp organizers mainly organize their games with men they "drink beer with" (socialize in a public or semi public setting, drinking alcoholic beverages). Women can be part of this group under a flag of being "one of the boys".
They also organize with women they have a close, sometimes even intimate relationship and once in a while they organize together with a woman who they find to be absolutely brilliant.
But to find a woman they don't drink beer with or have a close relationship with absolutely brilliant they also have to be reminded of her again and again and how good she is at what she does. Maybe she has a lively larp related Instagram? Maybe they are friends on Facebook? Maybe she is involved in several other larp projects this year? She must also not be scared of self promoting herself, something women are often not used to and sometimes think is shameful.

If you find you are a male organizer who might be in this pattern here are some suggestions:

• Look around at who is active or about to go active in your neighborhood. At least ask them if they are interested in collaborating.
• Take risks with collaborating with young women and non-binary people. Under 25, or with no larp organizing experiences?
• Actively ask women and non binary people if they have any ideas or are already starting their own larp projects?
• If your female and non binary friends are working away at their project, be the first one to contact them and ask once in a while how it's going. Larp organizers needs emotional support and you know this.
• If you are methodical person, make a private inventory of "who you know" in your local larp scene. Look at how many are women/ non binary? What are they up to at the moment?
• When you look at your social patterns and where you connect with people, are those arenas that are accessible to the people you want to organize with, or just to some kinds of people?

 A male friend of mine (I can name you if you like) said that the project of organizing a  larp can be used as an excuse to hang out and have an experience together. The larp organizing project helps you fulfill your emotional needs and need for feeling like a part of a community working towards a common goal. Instead of going "I like you and would like to spend more time together" - you organize a larp.

I have this theory that  you can also sometimes choose to organize larps with people you already feel emotionally close with. Because you got drunk together and you became more social and outgoing and came up with a project to do together. Or maybe oxytocin played in?

I'm not saying this is the wrong way to organize larps, we organize in different ways, but sometimes our methods doesn't wield the results we wish for and maybe an inventory of who we organize with can show us other ways to do it?

Next thought: If you are a woman setting out to organize a larp, who do you ask? If you are non-binary, has that affected who you ask?

Support your local larp feminist

So after over three years of working with Larp Women Unite I notice and come in contact with other female outspoken larp feminists who have hit the same wall as I have done and suffered.

The first part of this post will be about recognizing some of the symptoms and to get some researchable names for different conditions and phenomenon. The other part is what you can do for yourself, some advice from me and finally what you can do for a friend who is suffering from feminist burnout. Here and there throughout the text I will refer to the local larp feminist as "she" but the content is for any gender identity.

 

Part one - Recognizing what is happening

Feminist Burnout: You can suffer burn out symptoms from doing activist work. You spend a lot of time on it. You might not notice the change you are causing. You might feel alone, shunned and hopeless. Symptoms can come in all kinds of forms but usually you suffer anxiety, have trouble sleeping or are dead tired all the time. There can be bouts of crying and feeling really hopeless about everything. You might wish you never became a feminist an long for days when larp was just "something fun" for you. You might need a break from the fight and that is ok. Make sure you have some other things to do that is not tied into you activism and maybe tell your close friends that you are "off duty". I even have people who fill in for me in the admin groups I'm in.

Compassion fatigue
One day you feel meh. Or you feel anger that you are doing "all the work" while "no one else is listening or fighting their own fight". You feel "screw them" and "whatever". At the same time you can feel deep shame that you really don't care and you no longer feel pleasure from doing what you used to love. Compassion fatigue was originally researched in nurses and social workers. It mainly manifests in larp feminists that work with traumatic episodes, such as workings with victims of trauma such as out of game rape in a larp context or a former abusive spouse. It is also known as secondary traumatic stress.

Wikipedia says:

"Persons who are overly conscientious, perfectionists and self-giving are more likely to suffer from secondary traumatic stress. Those who have low levels of social support or high levels of stress in personal life are also more likely to develop STS. In addition, previous histories of trauma that led to negative coping skills, such as bottling up or avoiding emotions, having small support systems, increase the risk for developing STS.^"

The Female Gender RoleIn most countries women are expected to make others feel loved, accepted and welcome. If they are granted power they are more expected to use that power fairly and justly and to be more informed about social justice politics. Women are supposed to be both knowledgeable and skilled in the so called "soft values". A woman is expected to suggest and not demand and to be modest and if she is sure of herself, not show it. A woman is expected to smile more than a man, and to show at all times that she is not angry and that she is no threat.

Emotional labour / Emotion workWikipedia says this:

 

"Emotional labor is the process of managing feelings and expressions to fulfill the emotional requirements of a job.  More specifically, workers are expected to regulate their emotions during interactions with customers, co-workers and superiors. This includes analysis and decision making in terms of the expression of emotion, whether actually felt or not, as well as its opposite: the suppression of emotions that are felt but not expressed." (read more here)

When the same thing is done privately it is called emotion work, but in the larp community a lot of functions can be seen as jobs. Larp Organizer, community organizer, safety host, ombudsman etc. When you are the local larp feminist, over time people might see you less as a human being and more a s a person who has the "job" of being the local larp feminist. This can be especially difficult because if you are a woman, then you are fighting for your own rights to participate fully in the larp hobby, so you WILL have a lot of emotions on the subject.


Genderlect and sociolect.There is a thing called sociolect , it's about how members of different groups speak or are expected to speak. A common clash is when neurotyphical middle class white feminists encounter members of the working class and or feminists from other ethnicities. Often they are very preoccupied with the "correct" way so things and might feel attacked and uncomfortable with other ways of speaking and writing, even when it is done in the same language. They might want to "help" you by correcting you language so that it becomes more "effective at conveying you message". What really should happen is them learning that there are many ways to communicate.
Genderlect is when you look at how different genders are expected to sound and write. In many cultures women are supposed to use more softening words and speak about how they "feel" and not about how things "are". If you deviate from you genderlect people might see you as being aggressive or timid depending. People deviating from their genderlect will suffer social punishments for this.

Social media overwhelming / entering radio silenceYou might feel your heart race every time you phone says it has a message for you. Or you dread what the person you are having an online discussion with will say next. Maybe you start feeling like you don't "deserve" to be seen on social media. You stop posting and start lurking. Maybe you stop using your accounts at all. Maybe you close them down. Sometimes this is a good coping strategy, like the "Tap Out" described below. But if you notice that you or a friends suddenly dramatically changes their online behaviour, something might very well be up with them emotionally.
Or they could just be at a larp.

Part two - Supporting yourself / supporting the suffering

Radical acceptanceThis is a technique I didn't want to use at first. But I have found that sometimes it is the only thing that works. I stop what I'm doing and I kind of "look up" either mentally or physically. Then I say to myself: "It is what it is". Then I make a decision if it is something I have the time and energy to work on right now or if I should just go do something else. The something else is sometimes a simpler project, sometimes something that recharges my batteries. I've used radial acceptance for my body issues, for relatives illnesses, for bleed after larps, for doing a brain scan or a breast scan or for going into doing a test I am afraid I will fail. Or simply accepting that there are people out there who hate me and want to harm me. Some for valid reasons, some not so valid.

Take care of the bodySleep, eat things you enjoy, work out by doing cardio or lifting heavy weights. Also drink a glass of water when you get overwhelmed, maybe a cup of tea if that is you thing. A very basic thing can be go take a pee.
Taking a hot showing or a long bath might make muscles you didn't even recognize were tense lighten up. If you have energy to be social, call a friend or meet some people over a board game.

Tap outYou never have to stay online. You never have to hang around a space that feels unsafe for you. You don't need to go to a specific larp if it's not giving you what you need. You don't exist for any one else's pleasure. When the dark wave hits of self loathing, confusion, anger and maybe even flash backs for those of you who have suffered trauma like sexual abuse, rape and or/being beaten. You can practise self care and unfollow that thread o facebook, leave that instagram beef or quite simply ask the person talking to you to please leave you alone. If the interaction is online you don't even have to say you are leaving, you can just leave after you said your piece. (I call those "post and run" for those days when I don't have the energy.)

Choose a small, measurable goalI chose to work with larp feminism to follow the principle of "think globally, act locally" or the Swedish proverb "dig where you stand". Sure it's hard to be a prophet in my own home town, having heated discussions with people that could probably help me with my "larp career". To do this I often try to write down or say to myself what I want to achieve and what I will count as success.
"I want them to add a ingredient list to the home page" or "I want at least two other people to mail them about removing the rape joke" "I will go get the guard if there is another issue".

Ask for and accept helpIf you feel all alone in a discussion but maybe you notice you are getting some likes. You can maybe PM those people and say that you do feel alone. Beware of not starting a so called "dog pile" where there suddenly are a lot of people against one other.
Or maybe you are feeling like the worst person ever after having a disheartening back and forth with the organizer to your favourite larp. PM a friend you trust and ask to vent. Don't carry it all inside of you. Maybe write on your FB wall that you are having a bad day and would like some kind of encouragement. I often ask for "describe me with a gif" of "give me weird compliment".

Using mantrasHere are some mantras I use to self soothe or disengage and manage my energy.

"What other people say about you does not define who you are." I've also used this one to comfort people who have been threatened to that rumours will be spread about them
"People have many opinions" - just a statement to remind myself that is just all it is. Opinions.
"He's just wrong." - I use this when someone is using a clearly faulty logic or fact. I try to not engage or just engage on a basic level, like countering them. You can't join every argument and when people are wrong some other larper will often engage them.
"But he has a JOB!" This one I credit Christina Bodling. This is when others claim we can't expect some guy to act as a human being because he doesn't know better. If this individual has an employment he clearly knows enough to get hired and acts well enough at work to not get fired. So he should be able to act well enough even in the larp community.
"If they want to stop me, they are going to have to stop me." This isn't so much for when I'm nearing burn out, but more for when I'm getting back up. This is for handling people who are "warning" me about doing something that I truly believe is the right thing. I often use this mantra to give myself courage to ask for straight answers like: "What are your rules about male and female toplessness at the larp?" or "can you explain to me exactly why you don't think me, Johanna or Mia who applied for the character of the General would do the role well enough. Can you be concrete and specific?".


Focusing on your ethics

When there is a lot of critique against you and you are feeling the pressure pound down on you, walk trough your ethics in your head. You can understand and sympathize with the feelings others are having, while still following your own ethics. Maybe go through your ethics again. Are they still your ethics.

Forgiving yourself
So maybe you fucked up, I truly and deeply have from time to time. And maybe you feel like you don't deserve love. But a lot of feminists have very high demands they place on themselves. If you are also raised as a girl you are also under pressure to please other people and make them feel good about themselves. When demanding change in tightly knit communities you will often be seen as a trouble maker and sometimes you will be a trouble maker. Even if you have a set of ethics you are pleased with there will come times where you afterwards look back at your actions and feel shame of what you have done. When this happens, see that you stop the behaviour, back off, offer an apology and if welcome offer reparations that a possible for you to do. But try to move on. Maybe not immediately, but sooner or later. Especially if the people you acted badly towards have moved on.

Helping your friend

Let them know you are thinking of them.
Recognize when they seem tired and hopeless and express this online or in body language. Don't wait for your friend to ask for help. Throw them a PM or a text message mentioning "hey I saw what you wrote on FB, how are you holding up" or if you know they don't mind the phone, call them. Maybe offer to feed them their favourite food, at their home or at a restaurant.
Don't think they know you like them, tell them, especially when times are grim. Some people really really appreciate silly little gifts. Send them something nice in the mail. Named or anonymous.

Explicitly invite them to things.
When you are the local, vocal, larp feminist you can often feel like a hated outcast in your own community. Sure a lot of people send love your way but it can be hard to take that to heart when there is so many aggressive messages sent your way. You are made feel unwelcome and that you are "destroying the community" and "hurting people". This can lead to a reaction where you withdraw from even the social circle's where you are welcome by the organizers. So it can be nice and validated to be told "we especially want you to be here/there" even if they might not be able to make it due to time or exhaustion.

Don't hold them to impossible standards.None of us truly know everything that happens to another person. So when you local larp feminist either messes up, seems to be overreacting, seems to crack from something "small" happening, that can probably come from being under a lot of pressure for a long time. She might be getting straight up hate mail and threaths. Maybe she recently lost a close friend who said she was to "angry" these days or that they were "afraid" of her. Or maybe when she stays friends with "the wrong person".
Remember that she to grew up in the patriarchy, she didn't come to you from an alien planet where all genders were treated equal. Getting rid of internal misogyny is an on-going work and I don't know if there is a human born today that will get there in their life time.

Don't overestimate their strength
We have a cultural narrative of the "strong female protagonist". And I myself have often been told that the people who hurt me the most had no idea they even could hurt me, because I seem like such a bad ass. This is in spite of me being very open with being a vulnerable, emotional human being. They will crack and they will stumble and they will have bad days when they never want to larp again, or talk to another larper ever again. That is not because they hate you specifically, but because hey have been lead to belive "everyone" in the larp community hates them.

A critique of "gender neutral larps"

Original Swedish text below.

Some larps and larp designers try to "solve" gender equality by making their larps gender neutral in one way or another. Some examples of solutions I have seen have been the following:

• Women and men exist in the game World, but they all have the exact same resources and face the exact same challenges as a member of any other gender.
• There are no genders, or only one gender in the game World.
• There are men and women in the game World, but all the written roles are written as gender neutrals without reference to their gender identity, pronoun or any specific reproductive organs, such as an uterus. This does not mean they are agender, mostly once they are cast they get the same gender as the player in the Eyes of the other players.

My critique is this: With these methods it becomes harder to tell stories about real World sexism and feminism and that erases not only womens experiences and historic roles but also the stories of anyone who is trans and/or non-binary and has had to struggle with the gender binary wiev of the real World.

The gender Neutral character also becomes mostly "male" because we were all raised in a World where the cis-man (also, a White cis-man) is the norm.

I have tried to work with this by either Writing character who have a gender identity of their own or what I did for Witches of Ästad Farm, where I wrote all the characters as female and then rewrote them after casting, having a look at what "social gender" the player had asked for their role. I did demand of the players that they choose female or male, because I wanted to portray the way the society of Swedish 1940-ies desperatly pressed everyone into those strict gender roles.


"Könsneutralt"
En del lajv och lajvarrangörer i Sverige "löser" jämställdhet genom att införa könsneutrala lösningar. Exempel på sådana lösningar kan vara att kvinnor och män förvisso finns i lajvvärlden, men har tillgång till exakt samma resurser och ställs inför samma utmaningar.
Andra kör med att det inte finns några kön i världen, eller bara ett kön.
Ytterligare andra kör att det finns både män och kvinnor i spelvärlden men att de skrivna roller som skrivs skrivs könsneutralt och att inget rollerna varken hänvisar till en könsidentitet eller till reproduktiva könsdelar som rollen ska ha (som tex livmoder).

Jag har dock kritik: att det med dessa metoder kan bli svårt att göra berättelser just OM sexism och feminism och att det inte bara raderar kvinnors livsvillkor utan även raderar de med transerfarenhet och ickebinära och deras upplevelser av att möta ett binärt könsrollstänkande.
Den "neutrala" karaktären blir oftast "som en man" i mina ögon då vi är uppväxta i ett samhälle med cis-mannen som norm.
Jag har försökt lösa det genom att antingen skriva roller med en bestämd könsidentitet eller som till "Häxorna på Ästad gård" skriva alla roller som kvinnor och skriva om dem efter castingen utifrån vilket kön spelaren önskat på sin roll.
Vilka är era egna tankar?
Vilka olika lösningar har ni sett?
 

Anmälan till Häxorna på Ästad gård är öppen till den 7 maj.

Jag och Linda har nu öppnat anmälan till mitt lajv Häxorna på Ästad Gård.

Här finns anmälningsformuläret: Anmälan Häxorna på Ästad Gård 2017
Här finns hemsidan: Häxorna på Ästad gård
Här är hur vi jobbar med funktionsnedsättningar och tillgänglighet: Tillgänglighet

Anmälan går till så att man fyller i en anmälan och skickar in. Den 7 maj på kvällen stänger vi den egentliga anmälan. Har vi då fått fler anmälda än sovplatser på Ästad 4H kommer vi att lotta med så kallad "viktning". Detta innebär att dels kommer de som anmält sig under första veckan (innan söndagen den 30 april) samt internationella gäster att ha större chans att bli dragna i lotteriet. Detta då vi dels vill premiera de som är entusiastiska och anmäler sig första veckan utan att utestänga folk som fått höra om lajvet först nu och att vi vill kunna ge internationella gäster svar så tidigt som möjligt om de behöver göra resplaner och beställa biljetter.

Vi kommer att kontakta både de som fått och de som inte fått plats så snart som vi gjort lottningen. Vi förväntar oss svar från er på det kontaktförsöket. Själva castingen kommer att gå långsammare men man kommer inte behöva betala 1100 kr förrän man har sin roll.

Tveka inte om ni har bekymmer, ju tidigare vi vet desto lättare är det att lösa. Vi håller på med en ansökan till Larpfund om vi kan få ca 5 biljetter för halva priset.

Some arguments for more lesbian romance in larp

I want to write about one of my favorite subjects: Lesbian romance.
And I want to connect it to my main hobby. So I will try to write a little bit about why there should be more lesbian romance in Nordic Larp, or in any kind of larp.

Although I have encountered lesbian romance in the 1980 is Just a little lovin'(1) , after the catastrophy at Landsväg(2) and in another world during the height of armed conflict at WarHeart(3) I still think there is too little lesbian romance and lesbian eroticism in the larps I play. So to encourage more lesbian romance in larp I organize larps which feature lesbianism and I write about it and make it a subject to explore by other designers and players.

I enjoy the company of women. I think women are sexy and exciting and intelligent.
Here are some good things about larping lesbian romance:

• Inclusion: Lesbians are larpers too, so it's nice to feel normal, wanted and included in your hobby.
• Shared experiences: Many women enjoy playing closely with people of the same gender.
• Emotional labour: Many women have been brought up to be able to speak about emotions which makes consent negotiation much smoother between them.
• Trust: Many women have an easier time trusting other women which makes intimate play much easier.
• Counters hetersoexism: Since we are brought up in societies that expect heterosexuality from us, larping lesbianism can be a way to explore other romantic and sexual feeling within ourselves and broaden our alternatives.
• A sensory experience: larping lesbian relationships can mean a chance to experience a romantical closeness with other female bodied individuals.
• For straight male larpers who try crossplaying(4) lesbian romance can both feel more relaxed and also frees them from the stereotype that a female character is defined by her relationship to a man.

Some arguments for designers to include lesbianism in their writing

• Women's stories are important and valid.
• Lesbian stories are important, valid and relevant. In our world lesbians are oppressed both as women and as homosexuals. Larp stories can both touch upon this oppression or choose to leave both the patriachy and heterosexism behind.
• It can be a way to explore deeply feminist subjects.
• Have a presence of lesbian characters in works of fiction opens us up to understanding and compassion for a marginalized group.
• Lesbian designers get to write about sexuality and relationships who are relevant to them.
• Every time you include lesbian characters there is a chance you might at least educate a larper about lesbianism, and you might even help someone come out of the closet.
• When you are writing larps about historical events the inclusion of lesbianism will both increase the your knowledge of the history of lesbianism and will also give a more true reflection of the era you are writing about.

#thelesbianagenda

(1) Grasmo & Edland https://nordiclarp.org/event/just-a-little-lovin/
(2) Sortti, Carlslund & Sjöberg http://beratta.org/landsvag/
(3) Berglund et al https://nordiclarp.org/wiki/Krigshj%C3%A4rta_(Campaign)

(4) Playing a character of another gender than your regular one.

A swedish sex-ed magazine from 1933.
This issue is about homosexuality.

En lite guide till kvinnlig nördvänskap

Jag och Susanne Vejdemo på "Thule: Skuggor i snön"

Många så kallade nördhobbys är mansdominerade även om mycket gjorts de senaste åren för att bredda nördbegreppet så att även mer traditionellt kvinnodominerade hobbys ska ses som nördiga. Detta leder till att många kvinnliga nördar "vuxit upp" i en nördhobby omgiven av män med ett fåtal andra kvinnor som de ibland dessutom förhindrats från att skapa egna relationer till och/eller sett som hot och konkurrans.

Som kvinnliga(1) nördar vill jag föreslå att vi behöver aktivt bestämma oss för att ha en grundläggande lojalitet till varandra. Vi behöver göra ett aktivt val att känna igen oss själva i andra kvinnor, att sätta oss in i andra kvinnliga nördars erfarenheter. Vi behöver också träna på att göra detta över tid. Då vi har vuxit upp i en mansdominerat samhälle har många av oss internaliserat att det är vad män tycker om oss och andra som har ett högre värde.

• Vi kan både rekrytera andra kvinnor in i våra hobbys genom att visa och berätta för de som är intresserade och se till att när det kommer nya kvinnor till våra kretsar, gå fram och presentera oss och visa ett intresse för dem som personer.
• Vi måste stoppa oss själva när vi märker att vi ser andra kvinnor som hot eller konkurrenter. Konkurrenter om vad? Vilka begränsade resurser är det vi tror att de kan ta ifrån oss som inte andra nördar kan ta ifrån oss. Försök att utvärdera situationen och se om ni kan bli vänner istället.
• Vi måste se upp så att vi inte dömer kvinnliga nördar hårdare än vad vi dömer andra människor.
• Vi måste se till att inte ha högre ideal för nördkvinnor att leva upp till än vad vi har för andra nördar.
• Vi ska inte kräva mer av en vänskap med en kvinna än vad vi kräver av våra vänskaper med män.
• Vi ska inte förvänta oss att kvinnliga nördar ska vara bättre på att utföra emotionellt arbete (2).
• Vi ska inte bedöma eller kritisera andra kvinnors utseende, kroppar eller klädstilar.
• Om en kvinna kommer in som partner till någon vi redan känner och den relationen sedan tar slut är det lättare för henne att fortsätta i hobbyn om vi inte behandlat henne som person X partner utan bekantat oss med henne. Om hon slutar komma till evenemang kan det vara schyst att höra av sig och visa att hon fortfarande är välkommen och att hennes hobbyutövande inte behöver hänga ihop med hennes relationsstatus.
• Det finns även nördhobbys där det görs intiativ med separatistiska träffar, antingen bara för kvinnor eller för kvinnor och ickebinära (3). Dessa träffar är jättebra tillfällen att möta andra, bygga relationer och lyssna på varandra utan att män kommer "i vägen".
• Försök se till att bereda plats och talutrymme även för nykomlingar och andra kvinnor så att inte samma personer som brukar ta upp mycket av taltiden (oftast samma män/pojkar) dominerar.
• Jag vill också slå ett slag för att inte förutsätta könet, alla transfeminina kan behöva din grundläggande lojalitet oavsett om deras könsidentitet är kvinnlig eller ej.
• Förutsätt inte heterosexualitet. Försök inte genast sammanföra singeltjejer med singelkillar i hobbyn. Dels är inte ett hot mot dig eller din eventuella relation med en man för att hon är singel, det är en sak mellan dig och din eventuella partner. Dessutom, om du är kvinna kanske hon är intresserad av dig? #thelesbianagenda

Vi ska dessutom inte låta vad männen i vår omgivnings säger om andra kvinnor påverka vår egen syn på de nördkvinnorna. Istället ska skapa oss vår egen uppfattning om dem. Vi ska anstränga oss för att bygga våra egna relationer som inte går via män.

(1) Transkvinnor är kvinnor.

(2) http://www.arsinoe.se/jamstalldhetsarbete-i-relationer/

(3) Ickebinär: kan den person kalla sig som identifierar sig som mellan eller bortom kvinna–man-uppdelningen av kön. Ibland används ”ickebinär” som ett paraplybegrepp för olika könsidentiteter som inte följer tvåkönsnormen. Ickebinär betyder inte samma sak för alla som definierar sig som det. En del är både tjej och kille. Andra befinner sig mellan de kategorierna. Många ickebinära är inget kön. En del ickebinära vill förändra kroppen med hormoner och/eller kirurgi. (http://www.transformering.se/vad-ar-trans/ordlista)

Do you want to date my character? About sexual in game relationships at larps.

Background and disclaimer:
This is a translation and repost of "Får min karaktär chans på din karaktär?" Om sexuella relationer på lajv." The original post was written i Marsh 2015. I have a background in mainly Swedish larping and have mostly been to Vampire, Low and high Fantasy and post apocalyptic games. I have been to some Nordic Larps and participated in both the swedish larp con Prolog and Knutpunkt. I larp mainly at games where, if you want to have an in game relationship you have to go and get your coplayer on your own, where most larp organizers will find it an odd question to help out with. I also find that the swedish tradition is pretty "What you see is what you get" compared to some other larp traditions.

Do you want to date my character? About sexual in game relationships at larps.

Sometimes when I am building my character for a game I'm going to, I start thinking about my characters intimate relationships and what they look like. That it would be nice if there was another character present at the game that meant something extra to my character. Someone my character had a relationship with. A sexual relationship.

What are the pros with playing a character who has a in game sex partner present at the larp?

• Sexuality is a large part of the life of many humans identites and lives, and to include sexuality into the character can make it into a more complete character.
• Having the in game sex partner present can give the character more reasons for performing different actions.
• A sexual relationship is a kind of relationship and I think relationships add a lot to your larp.
• Things can become complicated in interesting ways if other characters meddle with the relationship.
• A positive sexual relationship can give many opportunities at positive experiences, which might contrast nicely to the rest of the larp.
• Equally a negative sexual relationship can give many opportunities at negative experiences, which might contrast nicely to the rest of the larp.
• It gives many chances for the character to experience strong emotions.
• Love triangles can be fun.
• Sometimes who you are having sex with goes again the moral grain of the character or causes moral outrage in their social arena and that can give a nice dramatic curve.

But I still need to get at least one player who would want to play such a relationship. Most larp that allows characters to have in game sex uses different representational techniques to symbolize that characters are performing a sexual act during the larp. Or you go out of game together and talk about what you did in game while they where away from the others. I can tell you more about these techniques in another post. So, it's not like your are asking someone to engage in real sexual acts with you and it shouldn't feel awkward to ask?

But it does feel akward.

I've talked to a lot of larpers about this, both face to face, on the phone and in several facebook groups. A problem that came to light was that several men who wanted to do "the right thing" said they rather not ask women if their characters could have a sexual relationship. Some men said it was because they did not want to be seen as creeps/creepers and some men where worried about making the woman they asked uncomfortable. Some men said they were just shy or that they feared getting a no.

To me, gender matters as well. I have no problem at all with asking women, both women I know really well, and women I'm just acquainted with but that I thought about wanting to larp more with in the future. It usually runs very smoothly once we get to the larp and are trying the sexual relationship out. One man I talked to said he felt them same when he asked other men, and that he worried less when asking men.

To me it's always a little tricky to ask men. I'm almost always the one to ask and extremely rarely get asked. I can only have theories about what that is about. It can because I'm assertive and not very shy about a lot of subjects that other people find difficult to talk about. But I also belive that there are larping men that think I would be offended by the question because I'm a feminist. I would not, and honestly I would probably be flattered as long as I get to feel it is fine to turn the man down based on my own preferences and my thoughts about my own character. There are people I really don't want asking me, but most of those people know who they are. And if I've been in a fight or disagreement with someone doesn't have to be an end all. To play a positive relationship with each other, or play people who would do anything for each other can have an incredibly healing effect that can bleed over into your real life.

During these talks what crystalized was that is that you can ask/need to ask before the larp but that the situation can need to be adressed during a game where something changes or where a new relationship starts. Check in to find out what kind of relationship the players want to play now. Several told me that it had been a grand revelation to them the day they realized it was ok to go out of game for shorter or longer meeting about what they wanted and what their coplayer wanted. Other just wanted to play prepared and rehearsed sexual relationship where consent was already established because they found it really hard to get back to immersion after being interrupted. Instead they chose a safer router of not having that kind of in game relationships or kept all in game interaction very platonic.

Several people told me that it was very important to them to know what the other larper was thinking and feeling about the relationship, both the one who asked and the one who got asked. They wanted to avoid hidden intentions. I myself has an ethic that is more conserned with consequenses and less with intent. I don't care or judge so much based on hidden inten. I'm ok as long as the other person is happy and treats me right out of game, no matter why they are happy or treats me right.

After you asked another larper the question about having an in game sexual relationship and you found someone who said yes, it's really important to talk consent, wants and needs. You can approach this in a number of different ways.

• You can start with yourself, modeling what kind of subjects can be discussed: "I would like if you hugged me and stroked my back." I'm saying "me" and "my" here, because even if you play a character, that is your body.
• You can start with asking the other person what they are comfortable with: "Are kisses on the lips ok, if there is no tongue?"
• You can start with asking what hard limits the other person har: "is there anything I absolutely can't do with you?"
• You can start with what you're not comfortable with: "Never touch my neck, it's very sensitive."

Several women and men I spoke to declined having in game sexual relationships. Why? Well they had different reasons.

• As I wrote above, some men answered they were afraid to be seen as creeps.
• It is a difficult question to get a no on.
• Not interested, as in "I'm not interested in that kind of relationships when I larp"
• They had real life partner who was not comfortable with them larping that kind of relationship and they chose to honor that wish.
• Both men and women where afraid that if they asked the question they would be misunderstood.
• It was mostly women who were afraid that there would be rumours started that they were having out of game sex with their in game partner or that they wanted to have out of game sex.
• Both women and men who only wanted to ask larpers that they had chemistry with battled with themselves if it was ok that they were feeling this way. They felt they were discriminating other larpers.
• Some had never met a larper they wanted to larp having a sexual relationship with.

Anyway, this is an existing topic that we will probably return to in the future. I would love if both men, women and non binary people start thinking about if in game sexual relationships is something that they would like to play, and how they would get around to finding coplayers in the future. How they talk consent and what they really want to get out of the relationship. But if you want this type of play, please work on asking in a way that makes the other person comfortable with both saying yes and saying no. I felt it was sad that so many men that said they would like this kind of play felt it was so scary to ask that they didn't. If you ask in a nice and respectful way, you are not oppressing anyone. 

But if you are very much older, maybe you shouldn't ask a much much younger larper, and this goes a lot for older men, due to us living in a patriarchy.

Sensually enjoying larps

Background
In my experience a lot of people who write about larp approach it in an intellectual way, while people who are more interested in the physicality and/or sensuality of larp instead organize work shops where they instead show other larpers what they mean. I enjoy doing both, an also I reach different people in organizing work shops and writing in the blog. I have also spent a lot of time since the summer of 2014 to battle sexual harassment and rape cases on a policy level and to support victims on a community and on a personal level.  That has taken a toll and I would like to explore and celebrate the more positive sides of larp as well. Less focus on what we don't want and more focus and what we do want.

My name is Karin and I have organized sensual workshops both about the positive end of the spectrum with Asmr for larp, the negative end with my Torture Workshop and the more neutral workshop about using Tactile Touch in larp. Tactile touch is when information is transmitted by touching some thing or person or being touched by a thing or person. Tactile massage is a Swedish massage form that is very light and soothing.

As you might realize I'm a sensual larper. You might not think so if you have met me as a sniper staking out a small village, covered in mud, reporting in after my four hour shared shift with my team mate. But what is a sensual experience? The night chill, the straining of the eye to see movement down in the  village and the feeling of cold mud against my skin that dries and cracks is also a sensual.

Disclaimer 

This blog post can apply to other genders but I myself am woman and I also enjoy writing about and for women. The blog post does not apply to all women. If you are not a woman and still identify with what I write, I think that is great.
I come from a Swedish larp tradition where we mainly write our own characters and decide our own relationships. The few larps with prewritten and casted characters I have been to have been so called Nordic Larps such as Just a Little Lovin' (2011) and Coven (2014).

The validity of enjoying yourself
We all have our own reasons for enjoying larp. Some of these reasons that have to do with how our bodies relate to interaction with others seems to be taboo to talk about, or if you talk about them you are not supposed to do so in a public or semi public space. Sexuality, sensuality and even the physicality of larp seems to be some of these taboos to some people.

I am interested in sensuality at larps. I think there are valid and useful things about sensual larping, sexually charged larping, erotically charged larping and romantically charged larping. I think that there is no shame in also experiencing an echo of what you are playing in your own body. Some some like to play sexual characters and map that characters sexuality away from their own, some map it after their own sexuality. Most Swedish larpers I have talked to about this subject never even thought about having a character with another sexuality than their own before I asked. And all of this is ok and valid.

To me the whole selling point of larping is the physicality of the experience. There are other ways to role play that are less physical than larp. Certainly there is still a sliding scale of how physical different larps are, and the same goes for sensual romantic play. It can be as unphysical as letter writing and long bouts of eye contact that still leaves you tingly all over. Or it can be as physical as real making out, tongue and all. And it is not unheard of that larpers then moved into the realm of real sex and even having long committed relationships after meeting at a larp. And as long as this happens with enthusiastic consent I am fine with it. We only have one life and we deserve to enjoy it.

Now I would like to say something about how women are more often than not  raised to put the needs and wishes of others before their own needs and wishes. We are taught that to indulge in what makes us happy and tingly all over should come with a tint of shame. This manifests in many ways and when it comes to physicality it also comes with how the female body is critiqued and must be constrained, covered and controlled. Women are held to higher moral standard than men and their behavior and words are very closely monitored.

Another thing I have realized is that a lot of men, and some others as well, confuse experiencing sensuality and romantic or sexual tension with another larper has to do if that larper is conventionally good looking or even exeptionally good looking, I have found that this is often not the case. It can be easier if the other persons looks are acceptable to you but to me and many women I have talked to it has more to do with how you play the character, smell, eye contact, how the physical interaction is working out, how the larpers do their characters body language. To me it can be a certain swagger to the shoulders, a way to clench a jaw line, an arm around my waist, calling me an in game pet name.

And I want to say:

You deserve to have more than an ok larp when you spend time, work and money on larping. I think it is ok to leave gameplay that is not enjoyable for you, steering away from it. If you choose to off game with the people it is not working out for and you find another way that is more enjoyable to you, that's great but I know it is not possible for all larps. It's ok to choose to steer towards the kind of things you like. It is ok to put yourself first.
It is ok to state your wishes and preferences clearly, because how would you otherwise attain them. If you can accept a no you don't need to apologize for your desires.
It is ok to want to touch other larpers and to do so according to consent and it's ok to want to be touched and experience that. You play at being a goddess, a concubine, a lover, a fearless warrior queen and you can find and deserve to find coplayers who will move with you to attain that which you truly enjoy.  And I know we can both have that play with each other and we can help members of all genders to both explore their own desire and acquire the skill to play these kind of relationships at a desired physical level at larps that allow it. I know I enjoy the prolonged,
For a woman in a patriachy it can be a very liberating thing to ask for one what one wants and then greatly enjoy herself, and I as a feminist celebrate that.

Further subjects for the future

• About larp attraction and how it correlates with beauty norms.
• Prolonged romantic tension and bleedhunt.
• Bleed during the game as a desired state.
• Norms about hooking up with coplayers. 
• "It's even more intense because we know its not real"
• Getting to experience deep emotions without having to be responsible.
• Sexually charged larping and feminism
• "Romantic play as a gendered phenomenon"
• 
  
• Have a finnish person guest post about norms about romantic play as pre-written characters in Finland.
• Have some guy guest post about body image.

Some hints for male larpers who wants to larp relationships.

"The Horny Druid went on Tinder"

I wrote an earlier blog post about how larps are too short to larp with unattractive guys.
Afterwards I asked the Swedish Larp Women Unite Group on facebook about what they think makes a male larper more attractive to play romantically with. This blogpost is a follow up on that post.

What do I mean with romantic or intimate play?

Romantic or intimate play does not have to has as its main goal that the characters will end up happy, or even together. It is a type of play that can be used to tell any story but due to what it entails more often than not needs more communication between the players before the larp game.
Part of this is because it more often than not means you will be touching each other in ways that demand a little bit of trust. Even touch that would otherwise be innocent can be very loaded in a romantic or erotic setting. Themes that have to do with intimate relationships, sex and romance are given a lot of weight in current literature, music, movies and other art and there is no reason it shouldn't also be present in larp.

Remember, the following hints I have gathered from different people who belong to the Swedish Larp Women Unite, and this can mean that they can contradict, be very specific or be repeated. The hints are not primarily from me, but gathered from a Facebook group.
You can't change yourself to fulfill all of these demands, but even those you can't fulfill can give valuable clues about what other people think about or are looking for.

I will be dividing the answers into categories.

Hygien

• Have a pleasent smell. The absense of bad smells and odors. What is a bad odor is very individual, but basically: wash yourself and brush your teeth.
• Body odour. Everyone has a different one, and if your body odor is compatible with what the other person enjoys, that makes things easier. 
• Brush your teeth, don't smell of sweat.
• Eliminate a bad breath.
• Smell nice/ be clean.
• I don't mind sweat unless it's very old or the person is sick.
• Dirt is fine, but wash your hands.

Looks

• Have a nice haircut.
• I like tattoos and piercings.
• Brown, emotional eyes.
• Don't be more than 5-10 years younger than me.

Negotiating 

• Take the initiative and talk about limits.
• Think through and formulate your own limits.
• Off course, stay within the limits we agreed upon.
• Don't say "I don't have any limits" or "I'm up for anything with you." I don't believe you and I will be careful with your body and your ego.
• Do a lot of check ins during game.
• Take the initiative and ask for the characters to have a relationship, but offer me an easy way to say no in case I don't take you up on the offer.
• Be ready to negotiate and talk through limits.
• I like if we have an idea about what the relationship will lead to in game for both of us. I want a goal with the relationship at the larp, whether it's romantic or not.
• Is it a safe haven to retreat to after the adventures of the day.
• Will it end in tears and misery?
• Will it start out carefully and end on a happy note, offer something exiting but still feel cosy?
• Will it tie two groups who otherwise would not see eye to eye closer toghether?
• Is it just to cover up our evil plans!?

Out of game interaction.

• Say no if what is suggested does not suit you. This makes it possible for the other player to find someone else or suggest something else.
• Say no if you do not want to do what is suggested with the person who suggests it. This makes it possible for the other player to find someone else or suggest something else.
• Be a reasonable person: Be or give the appearance of being on the same ethical page as the other player. Have the tools to talk about limits, consent, the setting the larp is in and how you want the game to play out.
• Be calm or project calmness when speaking about the setting of the game even if you do not agree.
• Project confidence and that you are a good listener.
• Before the larp - show that you want to play out the relationship. Be involved in suggesting how the relationship was before the game started and describe how you would like it to play out during the game. Show enthusiasm in front of your game partner even if in game you will play estranged and possibly murderous. 
• Help out by being creative in coming up with scenes that relate to the relationship. It is scary to play a romantic relationship, and it can become really scary if the person who promised to play that they were in love with your character doesn't even say hello before the game.
• Don't be a sleaze.
• Don't talk shit about women, we can hear you.
• Act mature, be calm and secure.
• Listen.
• Don't assume a suggestion for romantic or intimate relationships between chacters means anything in the real world. But don't assume it doesn't either. Make a risk/reward - call. No shame.

Style of play/ larp-style

• Show me you are willing to co create our larp experience with me.
• Show me you see me. Realize even the smallest gesture can give as much emotion as something more grand.
• Talk to my character in game and not just about my character.
• Involve me in the creation of storylines, don't just deliver them as the finished product at expect me to enjoy them.
• Allow us to have a, eye for detail. Barely touching hands can feel like an electrical jolt if done right.
• Be prepared to at least take half of the initiative both in and out of game. It is possible to be adversaries in game and still invite the other person to larp with you as long as you keep it active. It is passive play that is so hard to keep up with.
• Be active in playing out the relationship during the larp. Keep an eye out for your in game partner if you are near each other. Check in with them out of game if needed if you need to know more about ideeas or wishes. If your partner seems unresponsive or tense, find out why.
• Roleplay in a convincing way.
• Be perceptive of how the game is going and try to be objectively analytical. Ask yourself "is this working out?"
• If you can, check in to see if both of you are having fun and feel the relationship is adding to the larp experience. 
• Don't be afraid of taking people you are playing a relationship with to the side and ask how's it going. Accept if it's not working out and help them end your relationship a in game way that works out for all of you.
• When it comes to show physical affection, do it clearly and directly. Don't cop a feel on someones bum or start making out without warning. Instead you can stroke a piece of hair behind the ear and look the coplayer in the eye. 
• Think in opposites. Post apocalyptic: give your partner something for nothing. Hight society hiostorical larps: Break the norms for your love. Forbidden love: Write love notes that can be found.
• NEVER improvise anything about pregnancy/abortion/dead infants without clear consent!
• When choosing what compliments to use, primarily compliment in game and not out of game characteristics.
• I we negotiated consent and limits before the game, I prefer if you don't check in very often during the game. I don't want my game to be disturbed if not needed. I promise to tell you if anything changes if you promise to tell me the same.
• I don't like compliments out of game, but at larps I don't mind being complimented for my out of game appearance.

Other

• Dancing. Its good no matter what dance you know, and you don't need to know it better than you are able to dance without harming your partner.
• If you can express emotion through dance that is extremely attractive. Dancing complements larping beautifully.
• Well made gear. Having good looking and realistic gear.
• Bring an extra blanket.
• Bring chocolate.
• Write me letters before the game - I'm delighted if you show this intiative and show that you want to build up a back story to the relationship.
• If fitting the scenario, ask for a photo of me to carry around in game.

Tips för manliga lajvare som vill ha intimt och/eller romantiskt spel.

"The Horny Druid went on Tinder"

Efter blogginlägget "Lajvet är för kort för att lajva med "fula" killar" frågade jag i Larp Women Unite vad folk där inne tycker gör en manlig motspelare mer attraktiv för att dem att spela mot när det kommer till mer intimt eller romantiskt spel.

Vad menar jag med romantiskt eller intimt spel?
Romantiskt eller intimt spel behöver inte innebära att det är spel som syftar till att göra ens karaktärer lyckliga genom att man spelar ut en lyckad relation. Det är en typ av spel som oavsett vad det används till för att berätta för historia ofta behöver lite mer förhandling innan lajvet.
Dels för att det väldigt ofta innebär att man rör vid varandras kroppar på sätt som kräver en tillit, även beröring som är relativt oskyldig kan behöva förhandlas fram när den sätt i en kontext som är romantisk eller sexuell för rollerna. Teman som rör intima relationer, sex och romantik ges i vår kultur en extra tyngd och har varit ett av de största temana i litteratur, musik och film och annan konst.

Tänk på att de tips jag har fått in kommer från olika personer som passar in på Larp Women Unites målgrupp, vilket innebär att olika svar kan krocka med varandra. Tipsen är alltså inte främst från mig utan ihopsamlade i LWU.
Alla tipsen är inte sådant som man kan påverka hos en själv, men det kan ändå vara intressant då det kan berätta lite om varför det kanske inte funkat att spela nära ihop med en annan spelare.

Jag delar upp svaren i några kategorier:








Hygien

• Lukta gott. Med detta menas frånvaron av dålig lukt. Dålig kan vara väldigt personligt, men i grunden; tvätta dig och borsta tänderna.
• Grundlukt, alla personer doftar olika, det är ett plus om personens grundlukt funkar bra med vad den andres näsa tycker är najs. 
• Var tandborstad och lukta inte svett.
• Ha inte dålig andedräkt.
• Lukta gott/var ren
• Och så hygienbiten. Se till att inte lukta svett eller ha dålig andedräkt.

Utseende

• Ha en snygg frisyr.
• Tatueringar och piercings gillar jag.
• Uttrycksfulla (gärna bruna) ögon.

Förhandling

• Var den som tar initiativ till att prata om gränser.
• Tänk igenom och formulera dina egna gränser. 
• Håll dig naturligtvis till de fysiska gränser vi kommer överens om.Säg inte "jag har inga gränser" eller "gör vad du vill med mig". Jag tror dig inte och kommer vara väldigt försiktig med din kropp och med ditt ego.
• Kolla av mycket.
• Tar initiativ till relation men ger mig samtidigt en värdig väg ut om jag inte vill.
• Var med på att göra en gemensam gränsgenomgång
• Jag gillar om man har en tanke om vad en relation kan leda till för spel för oss båda. Jag vill gärna ha ett syfte med relationer på lajv, romantiska och andra.
• - Ska det vara en relation som erbjuder en trygg hamn efter/under dagens äventyr?
• - Ska den sluta i tårar och erbjuda misärspel?
• - Ska den börja trevande och sluta lyckligt, erbjuda en spännande men mysig story arc?
• - Ska den knyta samman två grupper som annars kanske inte hade haft anledning att mötas?
• - Ska den vara en täckmantel för onda plotter?
• Tydlighet och konkretion om fysiska gränser och om spel han gillar/ogillar. Kan man prata om sånt på ett öppet och avdramatiserat sätt blir man mer attraktiv för mig.
• Ett aktivt initiativtagande till att prata om gränser i fysiskt spel. 
• Kommunikation om karaktärernas relation i allmänhet och om hur vi vill lajva och vad vi vill få ut av spelet. 
• Ett växeldragande i kommunikationen så att det inte bara är jag som tar upp saker, utan att han också tar ansvar för relationer - både den mellan karaktärerna och att skapa en bra kommunikation mellan oss som spelare.
• Genomtänkt vad relationen är tänkt att leda till tycker jag är viktigt. Detsamma med sexscener, spelar dem jättegärns men bara när de makes sense för intrig, story arc eller karaktärsutveckling (eller om jag och den andra spelaren är vansinnigt tända på varandra off men då föredrar jag vanligt off-sex).

Interaktion utanför spelvärlden.

• Tacka nej om det som föreslås inte passar dig. På så vis kan personen som föreslog det hitta någon annan innan lajvet.
• Tacka nej om du inte vill ha nära spel med den som föreslår det på så vis kan den som föreslår det hitta en person som vill det.
• Var vettig: Var eller ge intryck av att vara på samma etiska och moraliska nivå som motspelaren. Se till att du kan föra ett fungerande samtal om gränser, lajvvärden och spelförlopp. Ha en förmåga att framstå som lugn, i alla fall när det gäller diskussion om spelet.
• Var gärna både självsäker och lyssnande. 
• Innan lajvet - visa att du är intresserad av att spela på relationen. Var med och föreslå hur den sett ut tidigare eller vilket slags spel du vill ha under lajvet. Visa entusiasm för din lajvpartner även om ni kommit överens om att ni är bittra expartners som helst vill dräpa varandra. 
• Hjälp till med att spåna möjliga scener eller liknande. Det är läskigt att spela någons kärleksintresse, det är ännu läskigare om den som ska låtsas vara kär i en inte över huvud taget säger hej innan lajvet eller tar sig tid att prata med en.
• Var inte inställsam / sliskig.
• Uttryckt dig inte nedvärderande om kvinnor, vi hör dig.
• Ge ett moget intryck, var lugn och trygg i dig själv. 
• Var inte mer än 5-10 år yngre än mig.
• Var lyhörd.
• Ta inte ett förslag om intimt eller romantiskt spel som ett off-intresse, men uteslut det inte heller helt. Väg med det i beräkningen till om du vill tacka nej eller ja. Det är ingen skam i det.
• Absolut inga sexuella skämt eller anspelningar off - om vi inte känner varandra väldigt väl.
• En tydligt visad prestigelöshet/ödmjukhet/brist på ego, där han kan kompromissa och be om ursäkt om något blir fel. 
• Ett lyssnande på och intresse för vad jag vill och behöver.
• Jag blir mycket mer positiv till förslaget "jag skulle vilja spela en relation där min aragorn-roll får en chans att utveckla sina svaga sidor och släppa någon nära, är du på?" än "vill du spela ihop med mig på lajvet?" eller "Jag skulle vilja spela en riktigt rå och utlämnande sexscen för min roll är ute och letar kickar" är en mycket bättre raggningsreplik än "tja snygging vill du knulla?". Jag förutsätter då alltså att man har möjlighet att prata off om romantiskt och sexuellt spel.

Spelstil

• Visa lyhördhet för att forma spelet ihop med mig.
• Visa uppmärksamhet. Inse att små gester är minst lika känsloladdade som massor med fysiskt spel. 
• Prata med min karaktär inlajv och inte bara om min karaktär.
• Involverar mig i skapandet av spel och leverera inte bara färdigt spel i mitt knä. 
• Spela högupplöst, att nudda en hand kan nästan ge en elektrisk stöt.
• Var beredd på att ta i alla fall hälften av initiativet, både in och off. Man kan spela avståndstagande men ändå bjuda in till spel så länge man är aktivt avståndstagande, men passivitet är så hopplöst spelblockande.
• Var aktiv i relationen på lajvet. Ha ett halvt öga på din partner om ni spelar i närheten av varandra. Gå gärna off vid behov och stäm av idéer eller spelönskemål. Om din spelpartner verkar ointresserad eller obekväm, kolla av varför? 
• Rollspela snyggt och realistiskt.
• En annan sak är att vara lyhörd och försöka vara objektivt analyserande under spel. Fråga sig själv, funkar det här bra? 
• Försök kolla om båda verkar ha roligt och få ut något av relationen? 
• Våga ta personer off lite kort och stämma av hur det går, och så klart acceptera och vara hjälpsam att spela sig ur en relation som båda eller någon upplever inte funkar.
• Om man ska ge fysiska tecken på kärlek, gör det tydligt och rakt: tafsa inte på baken eller börja hångla direkt, utan titta i ögonen och lägg en slinga hår bakom mitt öra i stället. 
• Tänk tvärtemot. Postapo: ge något för inget. Historiska med mycket etikett: bryt en norm /spricka i fasad för min karaktärs skull. Förbjuden kärlek: Skicka lappar/brev
• Improvisera aldrig fram min "graviditet/abort/döda spädbarn utan att jag är MED på det off!
• När komplimanger ska ges, gå på inlajv-attribut, inte på off-utseende.
• Om vi förhandlat fram speciella gränser innan lajvet, håll inte på och kolla av dem hela tiden under lajvet. Jag vill inte få mitt spel stört mer än nödvändigt. Vi kan dock lova att säga till varandra direkt om något inte funkar.
• Genomtänkt vad eventuella sexscener är tänkt att leda till tycker jag är viktigt, spelar dem jättegärns men bara när de makes sense för intrig, story arc eller karaktärsutveckling (eller om jag och den andra spelaren är vansinnigt tända på varandra off men då föredrar jag vanligt off-sex).

Övrigt

• Kunna dansa: När det gäller dans går alla danser bra, och på nivån att man inte skadar den man dansar med off. Det är väldigt attraktivt att kunna lajva ut känslor i dans. Dans är ett underbart komplement till lajv. 
• Välgjord lajvutrustning. Har snygg och realistisk utrustning.
• Ha en extra filt..
• Ha choklad.
• Brevväxla gärna innan lajvet -jag blir glad om du tar initiativ och visar att du vill bygga lite historik.
• Be om ett foto av mig i roll som du kan bära på din roll om det är ett lajv med fotografier.
• Min största turn-off är tyvärr helt ärligt dålig personkemi och den är svår som sjutton att ringa in. Det känns tråkigt men det är svårt att göra någonting åt personlighetsmässig osynk.
• Jag tycker mest det känns surt när jag tycker att våra karaktärer skulle matcha så bra / det skulle tillföra spelet/ min lajvupplevelse något, samtidigt som jag väldigt starkt känner att jag inte är bekväm på rätt sätt med den personen.