I have enemies. Good. Means I stood up for something in my life. But I also have contact with people who are hurting. And who are taking that pain out on other people. That is human.
And there are people who I have hurt, mostly by words. And there are people who I have hurt that I feel bad about hurting and those where I do not feel bad I hurt them. I know the usual morals says I should feel bad about hurting anyone at all, especially as a woman I am supposed to care about how I affect others. But there are a lot of situations where I don't and while I could lie and say that I do, so that you will like me better, that goes against my ethics.
But I am having a time of transformative thought, and one of my goals is to enact kindness when possible and moderation when possible. This might not stick, but at least I am trying to get better at it right now.
However, in my life I have had the experience that when I am less verbally strong, less defensive, there are people who take the opportunity to be mean to me. That me being kind does not lead to other people being kind to me, but at the beginning instead some people are even unkind to me. They take times like these as an opportunity to try to make me feel bad. And sometimes they succeed. I guess they see me as weak.
But trying other ways of handling life and interactions with other people is not weakness. If I was weak I would stay inside the hard shell the world built for me to live in. Sure I am wounded and I need to heal and I need rehabilitation but I am not weak. And I am not the punching bag of these people.
I guess most of the people who are unkind when I try to be kind are either people who don't know me and don't care for me and some of them are people who are afraid of me and feel they have to take this chance to "get me".
Or I could be completely wrong.
I still say I understand anger, I understand hurt, I understand the need to break free. To be able to choose kindness and respect is incredibly privilege. But if it is a position I have been able to carve out for myself, maybe I should be mature and act from that position instead of continuing to see myself as an underdog, allowed to bite anyone who upsets me. But I can't wait for my surroundings to become completely safe and myself to become completely stable to try something new. That wouldn't be brave. And I think all of us are capable of being brave, even if not all the time.
I am still capable of being unkind. Of being harsh and direct. This is just me putting the sword in the scabbard more often and for longer times. This is not me unarming. I'm a pre utopian feminist and we are yet to reach utopia. You are welcome to travel with me.
This post is about how I behave in different social media and with people in the public sphere. At work I use a professional stance that is all about kindness and helping people. And you might not notice my unkindness if you only read the blog, because I choose when I write here and more often do so when I am in a pensive state. Also, using more words tends to soften my message.